Jane Fendelman, MC (602) 532.0335

The grocery store experience! Your child has the psychological advantage in public places by virtue of the fact that you have a deeply ingrained need for external approval. I am going to ask you to change now, which is what you have been asking your child to do. Can you look at this a new way? Look at it as a test for you to develop emotional maturity through self-valuing, self-approving and self-identifying. Picture it: everyone is standing around shooting you those dagger looks that make you want to crawl under the cashiers' stand. You think they are thinking, "Can't s/he control his/her child?...I would swat my child if s/he did that!...I can't believe s/he hit that poor child!...Why doesn't s/he DO something?" Right? Well, if you are thinking all that, you have abandoned yourself into the dark depressing land of "the need for external approval."

Self-abandonment is always painful and you aren't capable of making a clear and loving decision from this dark place. I love the title of the book by Terry Cole-Whitaker, What You Think of Me is None of My Business. You must develop your "external observer", that part of you that can sit outside of you and watch like a scientist looking down through a microscope into a petrii dish. Say to yourself, "Hmmm. This little boy appears to be very expressive, and this woman that I call 'me' appears embarrassed and now angry. How interesting." If you choose to act instead of react, you will be coming from a much more empowered state. Come back to yourself and see what would be a loving thing for you to do or say to yourself. It might be, "Well, I would really like a hug right now." So, give yourself a hug! In my parenting group we practice giving ourselves hugs and kisses so we can have one whenever we need one. See how it feels and give yourself a hug or a kiss right now. Go on, no one is looking and even if someone is, so what; and all the better if it is the children who see you doing it. This is the start of self-approval and acknowledgment.

You must learn to stay present with yourself, even under the scrutiny of onlookers, whether they be strangers or family. If you continue to judge yourself by other peoples' standards you will be like a leaf blown around in the wind and your self-esteem will be shaky. Plus, you will punish your child for embarrassing you; in other words, you will punish your child for your own low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. If you remove this chain from your neck, your child won't be able to pull it. Think how surprised your child would be if, instead of giving your power up in a rage, you simply laid down on the ground next to him/her and quietly waited out the emotional expression, all the while sending the child a silent, "I love you, I see your fear, frustration and need for control."

I did this once years ago before I was even a professional counselor. I was at a grocery store and there was a child having a terrific tantrum at the front while Mom was trying to make it through the line at the cash register. All the other shoppers were looking on and Mom appeared thoroughly embarrassed and frozen in place. I observed for a few moments and then decided to lie down next to the little boy, who looked to be about six years old. I laid comfortably on my side with my head propped on my hand and watched him as intently as I like to watch a National Geographic show or my favorite soap opera. The little being was so engulfed in the throes of passion that he didn't notice me for a full half minute, and I was not but two feet from him. The onlookers were becoming amused and Mom began to breathe again. Suddenly, this small person became aware of me and all at once came to a full stop. He locked his little eyes on mine and I smiled at him. His tantrum was over and the crowd dispersed in search of other mothers they might intimidate. Mom was grateful, thanking me.

Some of your best parenting techniques will be those that come to you in a flash of brilliance, the way Mozart's great concertos would come to him-- all at once-- seemingly a divine intervention. Most importantly though, remember, emotional maturity is being able to love yourself even in the face of mass disapproval. Just knowing this will solve 75% of your current power struggles.

Warmest Regards, Jane